So world, I have been carrying around a little secret, and I felt it was time to share it with you. I have taken the plunge and decided to take up blogging full time and quit my full time job. Ha jokes. Kinda, sorta. I have actually quit my job and no I don’t have a new job lined up. Today was my first Monday as officially unemployed and a million things are running through my mind.
My day started off at a coffee shop, I’m sat there terrified and also quite unexpectedly, extremely relieved. Im not alone, which made me wonder, don’t all these other people have jobs? Or have they too crumbled under the pressure an opponent like London puts on you and thrown in their towel too? Desperate to get out of the ring as quick as possible. Any other day, I would be counting down the minutes until 5pm. Until I got to leave and be free, be me. Today I’m not counting. Today I am breathing.
I spent my day walking from Waterloo to Tottenham Court road, to Clerkenwell, and then to Liverpool street. People watching, letting the sun kiss my exposed arms and legs and literally stopping to smell the roses. Observing the city, and letting its life fill with me life again. Because nobody ever mentions that side of anxiety. How it feels like the life has been sucked out of you. Like you are a shell of the person you once were, a shadow of your former self. What I wasn’t expecting though is how quickly it comes back. How today I feel like me again. How I notice that in this short time I am smiling more, and that awful pit in my stomach that felt like it had become a part of me is now gone.
On the other hand though, I am incredibly exhausted. It feels like I have been carrying the world on my shoulders, and the universe has finally decided to take it back. Now the rest of my body is playing catch up. My head is spinning, I’m so tired I’m pretty sure I could fall asleep standing. It’s like the rest of me took a break for a moment. Giving me just enough space to survive in a constant state of anxiety and panic. Nights spent tossing in bed, blood shot morning eyes, and panic attacks on public transport is now a thing of the passed. At least I hope it is. I want to sleep forever, I want to run and dance and jump and scream but most of all I just want to laugh. Laugh so hard my stomach hurts, until I pee myself and tears are pouring out of my eyes like in a cartoon.
I know I should be worried, worried about finding a new job, worried about where my next paycheck is going to come from, worried about how to pay my rent but I cant right now. Because I know it will work itself out.
Why you might ask? Why have I just gone and put myself in this situation? Because I want to be happy, and my dear, you can’t put a price on happiness. (Unless it’s shoes)