I am fed up with freezing, I am fed up of being broke post Christmas, and I am fed up with not being motivated to go the gym more often. Oh and btw, I haven’t been able to give up sugar like I thought. Happy freaking new year to me.
Hey Sasspots and welcome to the very first post of 2018! I hope every one of you had a GREAT NYE. Before we resume with our regular posting schedule on Friday (you can read more about the schedule here) I just wanted to drop by and say Hey! If you read my last blog post you’ll know I am pretty happy to see the end of 2017 and extremely happy to kick start the new year. There are great things in store for this year! I wasn’t really in the mood to set any new years resolutions but I figured that setting some 2018 Goals wouldn’t hurt 🙂
So here are 8 goals I have for 2018!
I should have known. I started 2017 with my blog getting hacked, and that set the precedence for the rest of the year.
I’m not gonna do a 2017 outfit recap, or post pictures from what I have done the past year because in all honesty there is absolutely nothing to recap.
Ok that’s a lie. I know the start of 2017 was great, it was beyond great, it was amazing. Then October came around and everything that happened before drowned in the shadow of my fathers’ death. The only thing I can remember is the boyf turning 30.
I’m such a sucker for pretty much everything Christmas and I should probably be embarrassed. But guess what, I am not! You’re probably gonna laugh now but one of my absolute favorite things about Christmas is selecting a wrapping theme for the year and actually wrapping presents. Yes you read right, I have a Christmas wrapping theme and, no I am not insane.
The countdown to Christmas has begun people and believe it or not I have already finished pretty much
all my Christmas presents for the year! I mean look – it’s even snowing on the blog!
Snaps for me!
Although I am super excited for Christmas this year, I am also dreading it. I feel like Im floating outside of my own body at the moment and I am just kinda waiting to land. It’s also really difficult to know I won’t be able to wish my father a Merry Christmas. It’s a thought that is constantly running through my mind, I have been toying with the idea of starting a separate blog where I write to my dad. I just need to get it out, you know? Anyway, I found a great way to distract myself from, well, myself. Christmas movies! Now I just gotta get Santa (I mean the boyfriend) to buy me a Panasonic Oled 4K TV – it’s the TV of TV’s, the crème de la crème.
I feel I lived a whole lifetime in just a month, but I guess death does that to you.
Grief does that to you. I buried my father 2 weeks ago, but in many ways, it feels longer. It also feels like it was yesterday. Your perception of time disappears when you’re grieving. I wish could be one of those bloggers who pours her heart out in words on her blog. Finding comfort in sharing the pain and putting pen to paper, so to speak.
But I’m not, and I don’t. Instead, I hide. From myself, from the world and above everything else from the pain at least I am trying to. A friend said “Greif is love with nowhere to go’ – and I couldn’t agree more. Where do you send the love when that person is gone? Every day is different. I can be fine, and then suddenly I’m not. It’s a light switch I have no control over.
It’s been a month since my last blog post, just when I felt I started to get into the swing of things. The last time I posted was 3 days before he died. Little did I know that I would be spending that week with my arms wrapped around a man who had never been there for me, while he left this world. I can’t stop thinking. It’s like living in my own fucking torture cell. Me against my mind.
I have no idea how to start blogging again. I have a million things running through my mind. Do I start with a sponsored post? God knows I have so much work to catch up on. Something personal? Do I pretend like nothing has happened? I don’t feel like the same person anymore, and sometimes I wonder if I really have anything more to say. Anything more to share.
What is the etiquette for situations like this? Where does one begin again? Will I be judged for posting again now? I don’t know. I spend 90% of my time talking to myself in my mind. I know I am slowly starting to lose it. I can feel it and then suddenly, out of the blue I feel like myself again. Like I’ve just woken up, or somebody ha lifted a veil off my eyes. Is this what its like to go insane?
I want to be ready to write again. Need to be ready to write again. I don’t want to feel like every breath I take could be leading to a panic attack, I don’t want cry in my sleep anymore, and I don’t want have nightmares every time I close my eyes about new ways my father dies. I dont want feel so fucking much.
I am desperately craving normality, and although I have never done drugs I imagine this is what its like to want a fix. To need a fix.
Don’t be surprised if on Monday you see a new post. It might be sponsored one, it might be a personal one. It might be nothing at all. I am finding my strength in making my own etiquette and constantly remind myself that its ok not be ok.
I’m not entirely sure where time has gone but ladies and gentleman it is in fact 8 years this month since I moved to England.
Don’t worry, I’m feeling mega old now too. SORRY MOM!
The years have literally flown by and although I don’t know if will be spending the next 8 years here, I do look back at the past years with some mixed feelings. They have been 8 great years, they have been hard, they have been sad and they have been life-changing. I have made some amazing friends, made some enemies and met people I don’t even remember.
Hola chicken pot pies!
Ok I really need to work on my sassy, female empowering nick names. But roll with me!
I can’t believe we are already in September. I’m kinda feeling like the English weather at the moment. Sorta not over with summer but kinda not ready for chunky knits and scarfs. Soz chunky knits, you are forever in my hearts!
They say time flies when you’re having fun. These past 365 days have just disappeared. To the point, I hadn’t even realized a year had already passed. A whole year since I made the craziest, stupidest, biggest and best decision of my life.
Just over a year ago I handed in my notice and walked out of a full-time job into… well into nothing.